Ministry in Reality

I've always wanted to be a pastor. For as long as I can remember that has been the consistent thing that I've wanted to do. I guess I've always known that as my calling. Every since I was little I loved church. I've loved the smell of it. The happiness of the people. The fellowship (when it's genuine). There just never was a place like it growing up. I loved the music. The transformation. The...I don't know what it was but there was definitely something in the atmosphere that I loved about church.
I always wanted to preach also. Still do. The whole idea of getting up in front of people and making them laugh, ponder, or say amen was always cool to me to. I remember preaching my first sermon at the age of 15 for my youth group. It didn't go the way I wanted it to go and I was so nervous I very well could have peed my pants but I still enjoyed doing it. And I've had multiple chances since then to deliver God's Word. It's always appealed to me. As I started to get older, I even began to get more antsy and restless. I wanted to be a pastor now, not later. Even as recent as 4 weeks I ago I'd get antsy about ministry and wish I were in full time ministry.
But now something has changed. I still want to me in ministry and I know that it is my calling. But now there is a different lense I'm seeing ministry through.
Truth be told I've been in ministry for over half my life. Since the age of 13 and maybe even a bit before I've been involved in some type of ministry. I've done: worship team, servant team, missions trips, leadership, evangelism, counseling, preaching, discipleship, prayer team, bible studies, campus ministry, childrens ministry, high school ministry, junior high ministry, inner city ministry, drama ministry, and the list goes on and on.
I've done it all and you know what I've learned as I reflected back on all of that this past week? It's all great but it's also very tiring, and not as glamorous as everyone makes it out to be. Ministry is tiring. There. I said it. Ministry is tiring, it's hard, it can be thankless more often than anyone would care to admit. People always have opinions about what they think you should be doing. If you're a pastor there is always a whole bunch of people that are sick and want you to pray for them or visit them in the hospital and get mad if you don't.
You feel like you're always on. Like everyone is looking at you and expecting you to perform. People are always looking for a piece of you and most of the time they aren't willling to give you a piece back. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to be thanked or to get something in return. I'm just stating observations.
Ministry is busy. You gotta take care of this and that. You gotta take care of him or her problems. It's like you have to be superman but without his powers and abilities. You have the weight of the world on your shoulders practically. And on top of that, if you have a family you need to be there for them.
The work never seems likes it's done. If you're in ministry you literally are being poured out like a drink offering. IT's crazy. It may sounds like I hate ministry, but that's not true at all. I'm and optimist by nature. So when I see something I like to do I always tend to see the good things and look over the bad things, which can be both good and bad. Lately God has shown me what it takes to be in ministry. It's not like what everyone makes it out to be. It's not like you cast this great vision you clearly know is from God and everyone jumps right on the ship and goes on the course you've set without a hitch. So when for those who are considering ministry it's very important to know what it means to be a servant leader and to actually be a servant leader. Not chasing after glory from men, but living for the glory of God.
Ministry is a calling. It takes a calling to be in ministry I think. And I also thinkg the calling needs to be clear. So that when doubt comes (key word is when) you can stand firm, knowing that God has selected you to bare this burden.

Death

Death. Everyone has or will experience it at some point in time. I've come across death quite a bit in the past year. Almost a year ago now I got a call that I guy in my small got into a car accident and his 14 year old brother died. A few weeks ago a good friend of mine died while out of the country. And several weeks ago I went to a funeral for my paternal grandfather.
It's kind of weird how death hits you. Only with on of the experiences with death did I really feel a sense of lost. And it wasn't with either my grandfather or my friend. They both lived full lives I guess you could say and between them had a minimum of 38 years of life experience. However, at my grandfathers funeral I noticed some things that made me think. Of course, at any funeral there is going to be some sense of sorrow and this funeral was no exception. The ministers who performed the funeral really played it up also. There was the somber music of the organ, the reading of scripture on comfort in a slow monotone voice, and the stillness and quietness of the atmosphere. The preacher read scriptures in Revelation talking about how "He shall wipe away every tear from their eye and there shall be no more sorrow or death or pain."
What struck me was the sorrow and the grief. Some people wept quietly while others sobbed and wept uncontrollably and inconsolably. I thought to myself, "For what reason?" partly because I could count on two fingers the number of times I'd met my grandfather and because he'd been sick and everyone had to have known he was in his last days.
That's the thing with death though isn't it. No matter how certain it is, (an make no mistake, it is certain) we are still unprepared when it actually happens. While half listening to the preacher I began to think about the real reason why there is sorrow and grief, and ultimately death. It's because of the curse we are under. All of us. Rich people and poor people. Famous people. Blonde people. Black and white people. Christian people. Jewish people. Athletic people. Music people. On and on and on. Everyone, because of sin is under the curse. God had it planned where we wouldn't have to go through the immense sorrow over loss but because we wanted to do what we wanted to do, we got the consequences. Separation. Grief. Sorrow. Sickness and disease. Racism. Discrimination. Murder. Loss. DEATH!!
Death is ugly. Death is hard. Death is gross. Death is death. Back in the summer is was pondering my life and the things that I hold on too and I came to realize that if God were to ask me for my life I would have a hard time giving it ip. I don't want to die. I feel like to die would be to lose. That's why I had a hard time with the ending to the movie "Braveheart". He does all these great things and motivates all these people and moves mountains and he's and gets the girl. But then he gets caught and dies!! What the heck? That's not cool!!! He doesn't even get to enjoy all of his labor. After all, "he who dies with the most toys, still dies." Where's the victory and the triumph!?!
Then I realize that I hold on to this life so much. I suppose it's understandable because this life is all I've known. Yea, heaven is my home I guess but I've never been there that I can remember.
I begin to understand why it's hard to not only die literally, but die to self also. It's hard because we hold on to so much. That sin. Our selfves. Our future. Money. Clothes. Anything. Everything.
William the Wallace, and ultimately Christ, understood what life and death is really all about. William says, "Every man dies, but not every man really lives." And at the end, just before he gets his head chopped. William yells ," FREEEEDOOMMMM!!!"
That's the key. It's so hard to die because we hold on to things thinking somehow it will make us free. But it's when we let go of all things, even our very life for a cause. For the cause!! When we do that we really experience real life. The way it was meant to be lived. Like Jesus says in Matthew 16:25 For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

One Thing I Ask...

Hey all,

I haven't written a blog in months and I guess it's because I don't have a lot to say. I'm in the grind of life right now and though there is lots on my mind I just don't know how to put it in writing. But here is a thought that has been resonating with me and it's sort of become a prayer for me. I'm really trying to pattern my life after it. It's very difficult of course but that's just how life is. Here it is.
4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

This has sort of been my prayer. I love the psalmist's heart in this. I'm sure he could have asked for whatever he wanted. More wives, more riches, more loyal subjects, a bigger palace or kingdom,ect.. But he asks to be in the presence of Yhwh. I've begun to think about my life and the things I've been asking for. Sadly I haven't always been looking for God. I haven't always been satisfied with just being in the presence of the Most High. But I want to be satisfied with that because, What else matters?