Honestly (Man after God's Own Heart pt 2)

These last few days I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a "man after God's own heart", and I guess even, how do I measure up. I can honestly say that I don't. What I'm about to write may sound like I'm ragging on myself. What you read may shock you but I'm attempting to be honest and therefore what I write is not meant to make me seem humble. It's all matter of fact stuff. I personally don't care anymore whether people view me as a humble guy because a lot of times I'm not.

I remember reading a book a few years ago called A Tale of Three Kings. It is a book that describes the life of David both before and after he became king. It's written like a novel but the spiritual implications are profound. I thought of this book when I was first thinking about what it means to be a person after God's own heart because of a particular chapter in tbe book. In this chapter a reporter is trying to write a story on the great king David who's been dead for years and so he tries to track down some of the people that where close to King David. He is somehow able to find one of David's mighty men who is now old. He sits down for an interview with this guy, the mighty man, and essentially asks what David was like. He's thinking that the mighty man will tell about how great David was an how he won battles and was strong and powerful and how people feared him and all of this glorious stuff about battles and whatever. But the man just chuckles and says in some way that David was a man that cried a lot. This statement bewilders that reporter. He tells the mighty man that he can't write that because then people will think David was a softy and people would laugh or whatever. The mighty man replies in so many words that David didn't care what others thought of him. He didn't really even care about his throne. He tells the reporter that David would gladly and instantly give up all of his glory just to encounter God more.
As you can imagine, I found this statement profound when I read it years ago and I've since revisited that in my own life to see where I measure up. Am I willing to give up all of the glories I have to be with God? Am I willing to get undignified in the eyes of people if it meant having more of God? Do I go after God no matter what the cost? Is God number one in my life? If I were called to give up everything for God would I? Could I (metaphorically speaking) sell all that I have to follow Christ? Am I dead to myself? Is God more important than my dignity? Do I daily choose to serve God? In the garden of Eden that is my life; in the midst of God's abundant provision of everthing, would I and do I leave the forbidden fruit alone?
I could ask a dozen more related questions and I could many more and the answer right now would be unequivically NO!!!
If I were to inventory the past month of my life I'd be short in the God category and overflowing in any and everything else. To put it another way I could say that based on the way I'm living, God isn't enough for me, let alone more than enough. Or, if He is enough I'd rather do it my way.
Now you can make light of it and say well everyone is like that and I guess that's true. If it is though, that's sad!!! It's dangerous and it's not right. If you're living like that than something needs to be done about that. And I'm well aware that something needs to be done in my life about that.
It's ironic to say because if I were to go around and ask people what they think of me I'm sure I'd get glowing remarks. In my youth group a lot of people look up to me. People look up to me at my job. My friends look up to me. People tell me that I'm such a godly man and that they see God in me. I was told by someone the other day when I was leading worship in the adult service at our church that they could see the Holy Spirit's glow in me. I've been told that I'm a role model. There are these kids in our youth ministry that follow me around all of the time and tell me how cool I am and so one and so forth every time I see them. If that's not enough to be convincing, I was in a magazine for being a "Do Right Man". Pretty much everywhere I've gone I've been succesful. I've always been pretty well liked by people everywhere. I've always been respected and a person that parents either want their daughters to marry or their sons to strive to be like.
I've eaten all of the positive attention up and said the right words to make people think I'm humble and downplayed my sin and in some cases lied about my struggles.
I can't count on all of my limbs I've done things in the name of God but had my own secret agenda. I'm no better than any of the people in the crusades or even Hitler.
I sometimes seek to lead worship up front at my youth group because I know that I can do it better than the people who do it normally (that's my mindset sometimes). I remember leading amazing times of worship where God just showed up and worked in peoples lives, and after service I would be talking to people and in some way I'd try to induce people to say something nice about me and how I did. I usually do this by saying something negative about myself so I'd seem humble.
I've spoken in front of groups before at retreats and for summer staff sessions at a camp, or for devotionals, or whatever sometimes for my glory and not God's. I've lied to other people about things I've done or said, and have plagiarised someone else's story or accomplishments and passed them off as my own so that people would think I was cool, smart, competent, strong, fast, GOOD ENOUGH!!!
I've led people to think things about me for years. In fact I'm very calculated about myself. If there is one thing I'm good at, it's making people think they know everything about me and that I'm vulnerable. In all actuality I'm really not. In fact there are very few people that I actually trust. In fact there are people that know things about me that no one else knows that I don't even trust that much.
Honestly, I don't trust very many people because in so many ways for so many years on so many occaisions I've been let down. My dad has let me down. My family has let me down. My friends in some way have let me down. And though I don't subconsciously do this, most of the time I'm just waiting and expecting to be let down by others because for the most part that's all I've known. I've even let myself down. I don't really even trust myself sometimes. And all of that God takes the blame for it. Honestly, even God has let me down. He has put in me inherent needs and has not filled them. In fact, there have been times where the antidote to these needs has been within my reach but always seem to escape my grasp.
Honestly, despite all of the glory and recognition and respect and connections that I have, despite the fact that most people like me and that I've been part of amazing times of worship and people always surround me and I've done some great things and have had opportunities that other blacks haven't had and all of the potential I have and the fact that "God has great things planned for me" (a phrase I've heard many times over in my life), I feel alone. I feel empty. I'm still not satisfied. I'm insecure. I don't like who I am. I I am a nobody. I don't seek God with all of my heart. I struggle to get into the Word. I struggle to pray. I'm not as smart as people think I am. I'm not as confident as I make it seem. I like playing broomball because it gives me a chance to feel like I'm great for a little while. I don't think I'm really worth hanging out with. I don't have much to offer. I am not that good at guitar or broomball for that matter. I stutter when I speak. My room is a mess. I'm overweight. I'm unorganized. I'm broke. I don't always finish what I start. I'm too self-conscious. I struggle with temptation in many different forms (yes, probably in the way you're thinking), as well as my identity. I'm still trying to find my place in this world. I still don't have my degree. I'm not dating because I haven't found her yet and even if I had found her I wouldn't even feel confident enough in myself to give her the opportunity to be with me. I sometimes lead worship, or counsel lab, or get involved with youth ministry, or seek to speak in front of groups in a teaching setting, or play broomball, or lie to others etc, so that I can feel a little bit of self-confidence or importance or competence, or security when in all actuality I feel that I lack in those areas.
There you have it folks. That's who Will Branch is.

Man after God's own Heart.......pt 1

Talking with a close friend tonight about life and struggles evoked a question thatn I wonder how many dare to ask. "How do we become men after God's own heart?"
This phrase was said of King David and obviously it could be said of Jesus and perhaps a few other biblical characters. Now I don't completely know what it might look like publically here are a few thoughts I have on the matter.
First of all, perhaps a man after God's own heart, when faced with the forbidden fruit in the Garden where everyhing has been provided for him (both present and future needs), decides to choose God. I think of times in my own life where I've had to make a choice about the forbidden fruit in front of me all the while knowing and experiencing God's provision. There have been times where it's been easy and hard to not eat the fruit, even when others were eating it. Sometimes I can say taht I refused, but sometimes I did not.
My friend told me that essentially a spiritually healthy way to live is to see our sin struggles as a loaded gun. I confess I don't think of my sins like that. In fact sometimes I can say that I make room for evil, which is sort of what Satan was asking Jesus and Eve to do in both the wilderness and the garden. Now we all think, a loaded gun is foolish enough to play with. Especially one pointed at your head but we allow sin so cavalierly.
Obviously I've got a long way to go. Hopefully there will be more on what it means to be a man after God's heart because I hope to go on journey of discovery in the hopes that I will become like that man if possibly and inspire others to do the same.