Epic Fail
This past weekend ended with me being EXTREMELY frustrated with life and its circumstances. That may not seem like a big deal to many people but to me it is a big deal. I’m generally a happy go lucky person. I always try to have a positive outlook on life and don’t generally let things get me down for two long. But for some reason I was pretty down and out Sunday evening after coming home from church. In fact, I stayed home the whole rest of the day and didn’t really do anything in the afternoon. I didn’t answer my phone, I didn’t go anywhere. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I just wanted to stay home.
I couldn’t quite figure out why I was so frustrated but on Monday when I had time to think about it, I discovered something. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m trying to do the best I can with everything that I’m into and I feel like I’m failing miserably. On Saturday, I went to play tennis with a student/friend I sucked really badly. I couldn’t serve consistently. I couldn’t return consistently. I couldn’t rally consistently. I couldn’t even make contact with the racket consistently. In fact the only thing that was consistent about my game is that it’s wildly inconsistent. To add salt to the open wound, as we were leaving, we saw this kids playing, and they were amazing. It looked effortless for them to hit the ball back and forth where as my partner and I had been struggling; me more than him. As I was dropping my partner off at his house he and I were both feeling defeated, and he commented that he’s just tired of sucking; to which I responded so am I. FAIL. Then there is Sunday. I got up in plenty of time to eat breakfast (which I’ve been trying to do more consistently to be healthier) and get ready for church but I ended up wasting time so I didn’t eat breakfast and ended up being late to my meeting. FAIL. I made the effort to remind team members of our meeting that I was late for and when I got there only a few people were there. Later on during church some of them made lame excuses for why they weren’t there. FAIL. Some team members that were there ended up not staying the whole time for the meeting because they didn’t think they were needed so I was frustrated about that. FAIL. I didn’t do a very good job of thinking through my lesson plan for class and so it didn’t quite turn out that well. FAIL. The person I asked to lead my other Sunday school class didn’t do a very good job and ended up having to leave early because of something at home. FAIL. One leader came up to me 2 minutes before Sunday School starts and I ask if he’s coming to Sunday School ‘cuz I needed him to which he responds, “ I’m going to another church today so I can’t be there today.” I just say fine even though I’m FUMING on the inside because this particular leader has done this before. FAIL. So basically, that means that two of my really consistent and great leaders are left all by themselves with a group of kids. Although they can handle it, I feel that I’ve had to use them way too much and perhaps they are getting to the end of their rope. It’s my job to oversee these things and I’m not doing a good job at it. EPIC FAIL. No wonder I was frustrated.
That whole afternoon I just became cynical and apathetic. I just didn’t care about anything. I didn’t care that someone wanted to see me. I didn’t care that a family member needed a ride somewhere. I didn’t care that I was supposed to go to someone’s house. I didn’t care about praying. I didn’t care about anything really. I just didn’t care. It was easier to do that than to experience the hurt of my failings. I just figured, “Well I can’t do anything right so I may as well just give up and not care.” Anyone ever feel like that? Like no matter what you do or how hard you try it just seems like you can’t do anything right? That’s not a good feeling. Who wants to fail all the time? Ironically enough, I’m fairly familiar with failing. I do it regularly and have been well acquainted with it my whole life. Growing up, I rarely experienced winning anything of significance. Sure there were some wins but they were often few and far between. They usually came as a surprise and I didn’t have much time to enjoy them before failure came back to keep me company. That’s really what this job has felt like; some success but lots of failure.
Sometimes I wonder if this is my lot in life. With experiencing as much failure as I have, you’d think I was used to it by now but I have never gotten used to failing. I’m sort of an in the closet perfectionist although I fail at perfection quite often.
Playing golf I get ticked off at myself if I don’t play like Tiger Woods. In tennis I expect that I will hit the ball over the net every time and win every point. I expect that I will be just as good as Roger Federer. In bowling I expect to get a strike every time and/or pick up every spare. In ministry I expect that everything go the way that I plan it to go in my head. The problem with this is that I’m not Tiger Woods or Roger Federer. These guys literally play golf as their full time job. If I played their sport for as long, or as much as they’ve been playing it I’d probably be good at it too. I’m not Parker Bohn III (the 1st Left-handed bowler to bowl a perfect game on National TV.) so it’s really absurd to expect that from myself. I’m not God and I can’t control circumstances so it’s both crazy naïve of me to think that ministry will always go the way I want it to go. I’m not God so can’t expect to be perfect all by myself.
I fear failure. I really do. I probably fear failure more than death. To take it a step further, I REALLY don’t like failing other people. I fear it. I fear what people will say and think about it. I fear the look of disappointment on someone’s face. I fear letting people down. I dislike not being able to please everybody. It’s a tremendous pressure to face and an immense burden to bear. Here I am this perfectly imperfect being that can’t/doesn’t control all circumstances and doesn’t have a lot of experience in life with certain things. I have limited resources. I’m not omnipresent, omniscient, or omnipotent. I don’t know everything or very much of anything. I can’t read thoughts, don’t accurately anticipate outcomes, and can’t see every angle there is. Yet I still fear failure. Why is that?
I pondered that one for a while. It’s a big question. It’s an important question. After all, I’m doomed to fail again and again and again and again and again and again and again. It’s only a mature of time. Why fear something I don’t have much control over?
THE ANSWER: I put my identity in how well I do. My identity is wrapped up in my performance and so if I’m performing well I feel good and if I’m performing poorly I get upset, mad, cynical, hurt, apathetic. I get depressed. If I can’t do these things, it means that I’m not good enough and if I’m not good enough that means that I have no purpose. I take failure personally, which is why I struggle with mental toughness. Mentally tough people just keep on keeping on no matter whether they are doing well or doing poorly. So while some people can’t get over the fact that they are doing so poorly and give up, and others give up or relax (implode) while ahead, mentally tough people are steady as she goes. That’s how Tiger Woods was able to win his first green jacket by a record 12 strokes in the ’97 Masters. Anyone else probably would’ve imploded. I know I would’ve. It’s hard for me to handle success because of the pressure to continue to perform to that level. I do better as an underdog than as a top dog because I can’t handle the pressure of success. I will typically have a mental breakdown.
I write all of this because I think it’s a good thing to figure out now before I go any further in ministry. I know that I can’t please everybody. In fact, I also know that I shouldn’t even try. If I try to please everybody, I will fail. Furthermore, success seems a bit different to me now. I used to think that success would look like me preaching in a big church with thousands of people paying to come and hear me preach. I used to think that success was being asked to speak all over the U.S. and abroad and thousands following what I have to say. I used to think success was being a household name and being known as a dynamic pastor, preacher, and author. But if you look in the Bible, success seems a lot different. Jeremiah, a prophet that spent his whole life telling God’s chosen people to repent completely rejected him. The funny/scary/ironic part was that God told him that people would reject him. No one wanted to pay to hear Jeremiah preach; in fact they tried to shut him up permanently on more than one occasion. Isaiah was told to run through the streets naked for a period of time. That doesn’t sound like a modern day story of what success is. Elijah did some amazing things for God and at the end of his ministry because of what God was doing through him people wanted to kill him. In fact, he begs God to end his life of suffering so he wouldn’t have to deal with people trying to kill him anymore. Moses himself didn’t enter into the Promised Land. David still died and experienced grief beforehand at the loss of a son. Solomon tells us everything is meaningless. Hosea was told to marry a prostitute so that God could make a point. John the Baptist was beheaded. Jesus was crucified and most of his disciples were later on put to death. The apostle Paul has been to prison more times than Robert Downey Jr, and then he was beheaded. John (author of Revelation) was exiled. I think you get the point.
Obviously I’ve changed my definition of success. None of these people with the exception of Jesus were perfect. They all failed in one way or another. But, they were known as people that loved and knew God. The question I have to ask myself is, “Is that enough for me?” Is it enough to just want God? Do I want God? Do I want what God wants? Am I willing to pour out my life in service to God whether I’m destined for the plow or for the butcher? Quite the question if you ask me. What about you? Do you want what God wants? Do you want God? Does your life reflect that you want God?
posted by Will Branch @ 12:42 PM
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