Some Birthday!?!

On this day 24 years ago at approximately 9:15 in the morning I entered into this world. And now, 24 years later, it seems as though I'm not too much better off now than I was back then. I'm not independent, don't know nearly as much as I should know to survive on my own in this world, and I'm not where I want to be.
I am not that excited about this day. I'm just reminded of how different my life is at this point compared to other 24 year olds who have graduated from college and have either begun to make money and start their profession or have gone back to school or something productive. Me. I'm back living at home, not even in school, and not where I want to be. Some birthday!! I guess I should be happy that I'm not in jail or worse I guess. So, thank God for that. And I have had lots of experiences that people even older than me have experienced. But, I guess I'm just sulking because I've got a long way to go and a lot of stuff to figure out.

I wonder....

I wonder if we as the church haven't explained the gospel and what it means to be a christian the right way. I wonder because over the past few years when I hear the testimony of christians who have accepted Christ at a young age and grown up in a Christian home, the same things keep coming up.
"I accepted Christ because I didn't want to go to hell. I did it but I didn't understand what it means. I did it because I wanted to go to heaven. It sounded like a cool thing to do but I didn't know what it meant and I fell away."
You may have a testimony like that also. I didn't think much of that kind of statement until I started to notice the reoccuring theme.
I feel like if that's the case; If christians aren't understanding what it means to be a christian than maybe we haven't don't our job as the church so that people can understand it.
I notice that people put a big emphasis on the whole idea that to become a Christian you pray a prayer and then you get to go to heaven after you die. Honestly, if that's all that being a christian is all about than I suppose I wouldn't undestand it either, nor would I want to take part in something like that. It sounds kind of boring. There's no real accountability to that faith. There's no depth with that kind perception about what being a christian is about.
I personally don't think of christianity as some religion. In fact I tend to shun that kind of thinking because for me this a way of life. And while I'm at it, it's not all about what I can't do. It's about who I am. Jesus taught that the kingdom of heaven is not to come but it's already here! It's already begun! What I "do" or don't "do" is because I'm being a witness of that what that kingdom is.
I believe, and I've read from an author just recently, that God is transforming us into the people that we were made to be. To get a glimpse of that we could turn to the beginning of Genesis and see God's relationship with man in the garden. God walked with man in the cool of the day!!! There is fellowship there!!!! The implication is that we were meant to be in fellowship with God!!!! The Creator!! Sustainer!!! GOD!!! YAHWEH!!! The One who placed each star in the sky and knows them by name!!
Don't get me wrong, the whole pray the prayer so that you won't go to hell thing is all part of it. But there is some much more!!! Eternity doesn't start when we've breathed our last breath here on this earth. Eternity starts when you become alive, and that happens at conception. When we are birthed into eternity by praying the prayer. It's not just some prayer. It's life!!

I'm dying!!

I may as well be straight with it. I'm dying.
I have a disease that was passed down to me from my fathers. It's a hereditary disease that I contracted from birth and although it's been treated many times it is still there. I've had remissions on and off but it always comes back. It's a horrible condition and it's affected my whole family and others. The fatality rate of this disease is 100%. A lot of people who have this disease don't even know they have it until it's too late.
The manifestation of this disease varies with each person that has it. Depending on it's manifestation, it can be contagious. But I find that with others who have this disease it really acts up.
I've hidden this disease for a long time. A lot of people do. I think it's because they just don't want to admit that they have it. I know that's the case for me. I've tried to live my life like I don't have it but that usually only makes this disease worse. Or atleast it seems like it does.
People who have this disease deal different ways. Some people don't realize it. Some people pretend like they don't have it. Some people don't care that they have it and seem to embrace it. And some people, knowing they have it get treatment.
The treatment is pretty interesting. There is only one way to cure it. Atleast that's what my physician says. He's a Great Physician bye the way. He gave up his life to get it.
It's sort of like a blood transfusion. Part of the treatment is to acknowledge it. You also can't let it rule you. In fact you have sort of take off the disease as if it were something old and put on something new. A weird practice, and not an easy thing to do by any means. I have a hard time with that because sometimes it's just easier to not fight the disease. It's easier to let it take over. But than again I realize that fighting is worth it, especially in the end. I haven't completely beat the disease but I've gotten to a point where I don't always let it rule my life. Now I want to spend my life telling people about the disease helping those who have it realize it and fight it.
Though people don't know it, the disease is actually pretty common. Life expectancy for this disease has gone down drastically but there really is no average. Some people die before birth and some people live a long time.
I'm sure you've heard of it before.
The name of it: Sin.

Riches I heed not...

Trust in Him.
As a christian I've heard that tons of time. "Oh don't worry about it. Just trust in God and He will take care of it. He'll give the desire of your hearts. Ask. Seek. Knock. Trust in God." I've heard these messages so much in my nearly 24 years of existence I just want to throw up. Moslty because of their implications.
The implication is that if I convince God by my words that I'm trusting in Him that I will get money or things. A fast car. A nice house. A great spouse. Nice expensive clothes. Popularity. The Nobel Peace prize.
No one ever talks about how difficult it is to trust in God because trusting in God is a process. It's not a turn it on and off whenever it serves your purpose. It's like trying to stop a big boulder that's coming down the mountain and pushing it back up the hill. I've never done that but I can only imagine how difficult it is. Trusting in God isn't a partial thing. You can't trust in God with somethings and not with others. Because if you do that than you're not really trusting in God. God doesn't want parts of us. He wants all of us!!! You've heard it said in the Bible, "you can't serve two masters." God means that. You can't have one foot in the world and the other in eternity.
What does trusting in God mean? It means more than singing about it. It means more than praying "God help me trust in You." It means more than saying it. You'll know you completely trust in God when You don't care about fame, money, clothes, blessings, a nice care, fame and fortune, popularity. You trust God when at any point in time you can and will willingly give up your life literaly without having to go back and "bury your dead." You trust God when you literally die to self. When you're in your own garden of Gethsemane and you're sweating blood. And you're saying, "Father take this cup from me. Not what I will but what you will." And then you stretch out your arms, give yourself up and let anything and everything be donw to you. When in the midst of all that you say "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." And you say, "Into thy hands O' God, I commit my spirit."
God has been calling me to that. I have been resistant to it. I was at SLT after one of our last sessions which was on servant leadership. God pretty much made the sun set on all of my ideas about what I wanted my life to be about. I was holding on to those things as possibilities. But God was saying just forget about all of that and trust in me(God). Now maybe you understand my frustration. I felt like I was drowning and of course I didn't want to die. I was hoping against hope that there was some thing to save me. I was thinking that someone was going to save me, after all I could see them. But they didn't and I'm about to drown. I'm almost dead. My last breath is being surrendered. 24Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. Matthew 16:24.
So what does that mean? It means that it's time to give up all of my dreams or riches and prosperity and the good life and live for God now. If that stuff comes in this life great. But by then it won't even matter.
A line from a hymn called Be Thou My Vision has been plastered across my brain since that time. It goes something like this:
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

Lost in Translation

In case you hadn't noticed by my last few posts, these last few months have been TOUGH!!! I feel like I'm a balloon and God has been poking at me with a sharp knife. Seriously, life has been pretty low. And honestly, there have been times in the past few days where I've been ready to give up this whole following God thing. Not because I don't believe in God mind you. But because life is just tough!!! And through it all I know that God is there but I've been wondering why He won't do anything!! Why doesn't He just step in save us!!! Why doesn't He just make wrongs right and save!!!! I feel like I've gone through a lot of pain and struggle and I know God is there but I'm wondering, "God why don't You do something!!!!"
But I guess what I've really been saying is "God, why don't You save me the way I want You to save me." Late last night to early this morning I was going over a lot of situations I've been in and I've been letting God have it!! I barely held anything back. But I began to realize that I was wanting God to do things the way I wanted them to be done. I was expecting God to do somethings that maybe God never intended. I was sulking in my own selfishness and basically yelling at God because He hasn't met my expectations. I was so mad that though I realized what I was doing I didn't even care.
Truth be told, I'm still mad!!! I'm mad that I can't get my own way!! I'm mad that the view I've had of God has been wrong. I'm mad that it seems like a lot what I've been taught by the church has contributed to my wrong thinking. I'm mad that a lot of other people have been are still wrong. How did we get so far off of all that God is!! How did we get so far off and nobody knows!! If someone knew, how come they didn't say anything!! If we're this far how what will keep us from getting any farther off course.
Just as an example, a few years ago, as I began to read the Bible more consistently and hold the content better I began to have questions about certain things. I was reading a few years ago the story about Jesus calling his disciples and how the Bible account says, "...they immediately left their nets and followed Him." I was confused for a long time about why they immediately left their nets but I never raised the question until recently. I found the answer and it made so much sense!! But went on a quest to find out how to understand the Bible. And the best way to do that is through a little thing called CONTEXT!!! I'm sure you all realize that anyone can make the Bible say anything they want it to say. I've probably done it myself. But to understand it the way it should be understood you need to know what it says, what it meant to the people it was written to, and how to translate it to us today.
So, now I've been on this quest and I'm most certain that God has been taking me on it (more like dragging me along kicking and screaming). I'm on this quest to learn truth. Truth about God. Christianity. Life.
It's been hard!!! It's still hard!! I'm even beginning to think that it's always going to be like this. It probably will get even harder. And the harder it gets the more I'm crying out to God for some relief or some reward. And all the while He's telling me that I'm probably not going to see it til' after I breathe my last.
For the sake of preserving self(flesh) I want to reject that. Especially since I've heard growing up about prosperity and the "good life" as a christian. But God says, "Trust me." And I'm thinking, "Sure I see what happens when I trust in you. I don't get what I want." But, I guess that's the big idea. OUCH!!!

I was wrong!!!

I was wrong ok. There, I said it. I don't like saying it. I'm not happy about saying. I'm not happy about being wrong but I was. I was wrong in my thinking about the way to do things. I was wrong in my perceptions about my parents and what they were trying to do for me. I was wrong to complain to others about how bad they are. I was wrong to not keep in contact with them and my grandfather on a regular basis. It was wrong of me to neglect my finances and think that they will get better. It was wrong of me to forgo doing what I should be doing so that I could do what I wanted to do. I was wrong. It seems like I was wrong about everything just about. All of those summers being at Fort Wilderness, although they were fun and I met a lot of cool people and built good relationships I was wrong. I should've been out getting a job and saving. Looking at my circumstances instead of the end goal was wrong. Forgoing pain so that I could have pleasure was wrong. Trying to get out of the National Guard because I hated it, no matter whether I needed the money or not was wrong. Maybe even being part of IV for so long eventhough it wasn't helping me get to where I needed to be was wrong. Maybe staying in Stevens Point was wrong. Busying myself with things other than school, seeing school as a hindurance to where I want to be, and resenting school altogether was wrong. I was WRONG!!! WRONG!!! WRONG!!! WRONG!! WRONG!! WRONG!!!
Is there no end to this madness. Is it always going to be like this. Why can't we just do what we want to do? Sometimes I wish I was ignorant of the right thing to do so that I had an excuse for doing the wrong things. In a way I guess I was ignorant. But it was because I took other people's directions the wrong way. I feel so stupid!! Jesus save me from my stupidity!! Save me from my youthful arrogance!! Save me from pride!! Save me from self destruction!! Save me!!! I can't do this life without you!!! Is that what you want to hear? I admit it Jesus!! Have your way!!! Do whatever but please send me relief from myself. Send me relief from my circumstances. Give me wisdom and guidance to live this life the way it should be lived. Help me to trust in You and recognize the people you send to me to give me guidance. Help me!!

My So Called Life

Ok!!! What's the deal? How in the world is life soo difficult? How in the world do people live 30, 40, 50, even 100 years with life as difficult as it seems to be right now for me? Life really sucks right now for me. Here you think you're doing things right. You think you've been doing things right for a while. You think you've got some things figured out. You even give other people advice on their lives. But then BAM!!!! It hits you. You've spent all of your time helping others out that you don't realize how bad you need help. And maybe bad things hit you in spurts. But it's often times more like waves!!!!
What in the world is the deal here? I just want to scream!!!! As you can probably tell from my last few blogs, life is tough for me right now. And for the first time I will plainly admit that I am at a lost of what to do.
So I've been living in a town that is not my hometown while going to college for the last few years right. And I've been doing sort of ok financially but I could be doing better. Over the past few years things have gotten gradually worse for me. I don't really know what I was thinking but maybe I was thinking that "God would provide" (maybe by dropping off a pile of money, I don't know).
Well as you can guess it hasn't worked out that way. And now I'm struggling. My parents all the while I've been struggling have been preaching at me to move back home and go to school locally. I didn't want to do that so I chose to stay, all the while things are getting worse. Now things essentially are out of my hands. I hate life!! I feel like I'm not really living life. I feel like life is living me. Is life always like this? I certainly hope now!!

Does Racism Still Exist?

I was at this camp called SLT for several weeks and one of the things we talked about was institutional racism (although they had another name for it) and how it affects ethnic minorities.
Coming into this training I sort of rolled my eyes because my thinking was that although racism still exists, it's not everyone it's just a few isolated cases here and there. But after hearing about this stuff and thinking about and essentially God poking at me I began to see how it has manifested itself in my sphere of life.
Then, as I got to thinking more and more about it, I started to get a little frustrated. Then, I started to get mad. Then I started to get really mad to the point where I was fuming!!! I remember that night I was so mad that tears were coming down my face and I didn't want to talk to anybody but I just wanted to yell at the same time. I was mad at the world for being this way. I was mad at my parents because, although they sort of hinted at it, they still didn't really know what it was themselves let alone tell me in away that makes sense. I was mad at myself because I felt stupid and blind to issues that had been affecting me. Mostly, I was mad at God.GASP!! How could I be mad at God?
I know what you're probably thinking right now. Will has gone off the deep end and he is recanting the faith!!!
I can assure you that is not the case. I was just mad at God because I felt like "here this injustice is being done to me!! Your servant!!!! You know God, the one you've called since birth!! The one you won't leave alone for too long because you have these plans for him!!! The one who's pretty much given up his life in commitment to you!! And this is all I have to show for it?!!! Thanks for nothing GOD!!!
Honestly, I felt betrayed. After picturing this stuff more clearly I felt like someone just told me my dad wasn't really me dad. I felt like I was soldier going on a mission with my fellow troops and finding out during the mission that they are going to ambush me and not knowing a clue about what to do to stop. After not talking to God for a few days, and then yelling at him for an hour or so I got passed my anger and came to terms with God about what to do. One thing God for sure said is "Trust me".
Friends, racism still exists. As a black male in society I have seen it a lot. Maybe in the future I will write more about it but if you're curious about how I've seen it you can email me and I'll give some personal examples. But make no mistake!! IT DOES EXIST!!!! Maybe you've been priveleged to not be able to see or deal with it because of your ethnicity but it's there. My questions is what will you do? I think God is angry about this injustice as well as the many other injustices. I also think his anger of it mandates our response as His people.
8 He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

A word from the Lord

About a week or so ago someone approached me with a "word from the Lord" for me. I was a little taken aback I confess because I've wanted that to happen to me and it hasn't so in a way I just figured maybe God doesn't need to talk to me that way. The verses that the person gave me were fairly accurate for what I was feeling and I agree that God gave her those words for me to. But I have a little bit of a hang up about my feelings towards what happened. I wasn't utterly moved from the very fiber of my being. It was more like, "oh, ok I think I already new this stuff" feeling. I also felt like "why didn't God just tell me himself? We talk almost everyday."(by this I mean I actually take time to listen to God and not just talk at him and then say amen. I didn't really know what else to think although I was grateful that God chose to give me that word. I'm still processing it so I might have more to say.

Man, these past few months it seems like I've been angry!!

As I've read my last few blogs, it seems like I'm young adult that is angry at the world. I would just like to say that that is not true. It's just that life has been very challenging for me these last few years as I've tried to transition into adulthood and honestly, a lot of what I've seen with being an adult hasn't been very fun. The past few years I've been rejecting the idea in some ways, that I have to become responsible. But as I realize more and more that I'm accountable for my actions and that they can affect other people. I realize that I can't go back but must "...press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." I'm not sure my blogs will be happier in the next few days, weeks, or months. But rest assured that my joy is complete in Christ.

The truth about leadership!!

For the past few weeks I've been at SLT (School of Leadership Training). It's an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship camp for mainly for those who will be in leadership with IVCF on their college campuses. It was a really good experience for me but it's also been on of the hardest things I've done. We had a lot of things thrown at us in the weeks that I was there. We discussed leadership, racial reconciliation, being a servant, cross-cultural issues, sexuality, evangelism, and I could go on and on.
One of the days, I went to a seminar on developing new leaders and coming out of it I was excited but also very sad and maybe even a little mad. I was reflecting back on my experiences with leadership and realized somethings. It seems as though our country both secular and christian glorify leadership as if it's glamorous and great. It's like a new pop culture; there are efven tons of books on it. If you just typed in leadership in your internet search engine I'm sure you'd get tons of results on resources. It's probably a multi-million dollar industry. You can even go to week long seminars. Of all the leadership training I've had, never have I heard anything about how difficult it is. I've never heard anyone say that it's the hardest thing you'll probably ever do in life.
In my leadership experiences I've been: depressed, sad, lonely, frustrated, rejected, laughed at, backstabbed, talk about behind my back. Not to mention that you can't satisfy everyone, you have to work really hard while everyone else is having fun. You're always on because people are looking to you for direction. I probably could go on. Things never seem to go your way.
I read a book by John C. Maxwell about leadership and in it he said something to the effect of "As a leader you need to touch a persons heart before you ask for their hand." The idea behind it is that people don't follow programs. For the most part they follow people who inspire them. That is single handedly one of the most difficult things to do.
Reading all of the books and going to classes about leadership,it always seemed like a noble task and that if done right you can essentially change the world. I've been through studies on the book of Nehemiah and how he's lead people. Even in those ones I didn't hear much about how difficult leadership is.
All my life people have said that I'm going to be a great leader. I used to be flattered by that comment. Now when I hear it I just want to yell at the top of my lungs, "Thanks a lot but you don't have to keep pointing that out."
I know that this is what God has for me. But sometimes it's more like a burden to bear than a thing to be attained. I thank God for this tremendous call to such a great task. But I just want to give an objective opinion. Leadership isn't always great like the world thinks it is. It's really difficult and those who are called to it shouldn't take the calling lightly.